It’s officially Christmas time, folks! We had our office party today. We went out for Indian food and then exchanged our Secret Santa presents…I got this great monogrammed martini shaker…thanks, Santa ;) As much as I absolutely love Christmas for the music, the parties, the family and friends all getting together and of course the gifts…Christmas also comes with a shitload of super bad foods. This is where my negotiation skills are going to have to be sharpened. I am not a lover of egg nog or shortbread or fruitcake for that matter but put a turkey dinner together with gravy and stuffing and a side of chocolate anything and you’ve got my attention! I am thinking that I should probably come up with a plan of attack for the holidays so as to not fall off the wagon entirely.
Speaking of falling off the wagon, I think that cliché needs to be brought up to the 21st century. I mean the last time I checked, outside of Amish country; nobody rides around on a wagon these days. So from now on in my world, the saying shall be “dropping my cell phone,” as in, over the holidays I really hope I don’t drop my cell phone. Nothing reeks of the 21st century more than mobile communication, right? So back to my original thought process…plan…gotta have a plan…
I am from a really small town and pretty much all of my family is on our one road (not street, it’s a road). My one aunt lives just across the bridge from me (we’re actually trolls) and she has a treadmill. So the plan is to put that bad boy to use at least 3 times a week. She may have to remove a few of the hangers from it, because God knows that if you own a treadmill its purpose is to store clothes and accessories, not to actually work out on…since it’s not mine though it is a bit of a novelty and still remains to me a piece of fitness equipment, or as I affectionately refer to it, a fat person’s arch nemesis. If only she had an elliptical…come to think of it, I think my sister has one of those…I guess I forgot because it has actually had shelves installed and is fully being used as a closet now. So…either the treadmill or the closet (elliptical) three times per week.
In terms of eating, I don’t want to be unrealistic. My goal is to eat really well for 2/3 meals per day. Eat a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch that will consist mainly of vegetables. And then when dinner rolls around I will just be dropping my cell phone all over the place… No, I won’t let that happen, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t going to have turkey and gravy with mashed potatoes and stuffing at Christmas dinner and I have to have tang with my Christmas breakfast, because that my friends is a tradition and for those who know me well, you know that I do not f*%k with tradition…ever! In fact my mom once said she was no longer going to have a real tree at Christmas and I threatened to not come home for the holiday…..don’t f*%k with tradition, mom! Okay, so I won’t fully drop my cell phone. It will be one of those like fumbling hand situations though where it falls to like my waist and then I magically catch it. I don’t plan to deny myself anything but I will have smaller portions than I normally would…I have to keep reminding myself that this is the rest of my life and not some diet that will only last a few weeks and who are we kidding every now and then we all drop our cell phones, am I right?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I need a cell phone protection plan!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Don't make me get all preachy on your osteo ass!
So I had my nutrition class last night, week 11 of 12. I can’t even describe to you how uninformed I feel each week after these classes. Not because of a lack of information in these classes but from what I didn’t know before. How is it that I am 26 years old and nobody has ever told me before about the importance of vitamin D in building bone density? Or how did I not know how hard my body works to burn calories even when I am not doing anything at all? This stuff is all so fascinating to me, but at the same time, I feel like I am not so much the smart cookie (mmm cookies) that I always thought I was for not knowing this stuff. Am I the only one who wasn’t a part of this day-to-day nutrition class of life or are you all in the dark too?
Warning…here’s where I begin preaching to you all about what I have learned…
Here are a few things that I want to share that I didn’t know and maybe you don’t either.
1 – Supplements – These little fellas are really important at building up and maintaining bone density. For those of you under 30, it is super important to start monitoring your intake of these two elements. As Canadians we don’t really get enough Vitamin D, since it’s so bloody cold here most of the year. We’re not exactly sunbathing in February. As women we will be building up our bone density until we’re 30, so start paying attention to your bone health now. After last night’s class I have now developed a fear of osteoporosis and I want us all to be Osteo free! Now here’s the thing you want to take into consideration when choosing a calcium supplement (check with your doc before you start taking random supplements, of course) your body can’t process more than 500 mg of Calcium at a time so don’t bother getting anything over 500 mg. It would just be a waste. And don’t take your calcium supplement with a calcium rich meal. Again, because you can only absorb the 500 mg anyway so why waste the excess when it could be going towards valuable bones!
2 – Supplements are great and all, but your body prefers to get its calcium supply from food, especially dairy products, so don’t ignore yogurt, cheese and good old milk! Pay attention to food labels though too, because even beans have calcium in them, who knew?
3 – If you’re a person who takes in a lot of caffeine, keep in mind that this will hinder your body’s ability to absorb calcium. So don’t take your calcium supplement with a cup of coffee either! We need over 1000 mg a day of calcium and every little bit counts, even the calcium in the toast you had this morning.
4 – You should start asking for bone density tests at age 40. Apparently some doctors put them off until your 60’s but that could be too late. I don’t know about you guys but I would much rather find out about my osteoporosis from a doctor then to find out years down the road when I break a leg and it just won’t heal. And that’s what happens when you’re all osteoey (sure, it’s a word)…your bones can’t build up like they used too so you may never fully heal. In fact more women die each year from osteoporosis related injuries than from breast cancer or cervical cancer combined. We all know someone who has been affected by those hellish cancers, so think of how many people we know that may undiagnosed with osteoporosis.
The moral of today’s lecture is that I am selfish and I want you all here for the rest of my life so start paying more attention to your calcium and vitamin D intake now so that I don’t have to carry you all around in your old age.
xo
b
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tourette's with a side of twentysomething Alzheimer's and ADD
Well to start things off… I achieved all of my goals for the weekend, granted they weren’t too lofty, but still. I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday and avoided dessert all weekend. I actually really liked the gym this weekend. I have decided that the elliptical is like a fat girl’s treadmill. It’s amazing. I mean I couldn’t run for more than 2 minutes on a treadmill but on that thing I can go for 15 minutes pretty much running, no problem! I also did the bike yesterday, which I never do. It is amazing; you can fully read a book or magazine and the time flies. I always see people reading on the treadmill and elliptical and I think they’re crazy. When you’re bopping up and down like that, how can you possibly be concentrating on reading? The only thing I can do while on those machines, aside from sweat my ass off, of course, is listen to music. Sometimes I even sing along…but just a few words every couple of verses. That’s right; I pretty much have tourette’s syndrome, but it only comes out at the gym.
Okay, so I have some more venting to do…this one is a little off-side but if you’re a woman I think you’ll totally agree with me. So we all know that while we’re on our periods, we retain water, which doesn’t exactly give you an accurate indication on the scale of how your weight loss efforts are going. When you take into consideration that you begin retaining water pre-period (I like to use medical jargon) then technically like 8-10 days out of the month the scale is not really your friend. Well, not that it’s ever really your friend. The scale is kinda like that friend from high school. You know the one that insists on talking every time you run into them when it’s blatently obvious to both of you that you have nothing in common anymore. It’s that kind of friend. I mean it’s kind of nice to see them when they have something good to bring to the table, like a nacho dip at a pot luck or a compliment like, “Hey B, have you lost weight?” For moments like those, that friend is okay to have around. That is the equivalent to a non periody time of the month on the scale when the scale shows you a lower number than the last time you paid it a visit. But then most of the time when you run into that friend it’s the same old, “remember the time we got drunk and went bowling?” Yep, I still remember that…surprisingly Alzheimer’s hasn’t taken over my 26 year old brain just yet. I guess I am just lucky like that. Weird!
So do you get why I am pissed off? How is it fair that as a woman I only get approximately 20 days a month to be accurately weighed? And when you take into consideration that it’s not entirely accurate within a few hours of eating a big meal, really the only time of day I want to step in the scale is first thing in the morning, naked. That’s obviously the most accurate time of the day, right?
Today’s lesson? Not only do I have gym tourette’s and Alzheimer's but by the way this blog went, apparently ADD too!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Just call me MacGyver!
I can’t even imagine the sense of pride these people must feel for their accomplishments, but at the same time they must also be having some identity issues. I struggle with that too from time to time and think to myself that it could be a part of why I haven’t succeeded in the past at keeping the weight off. I mean I know exactly who I am, I am very self aware and have always been keenly in touch with my emotions and inner self. I haven’t had a major transformation like these people but even when I just think about the possibility of having an entirely different body, I struggle with it a bit. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I want more right now (aside from maybe world peace…okay, not really… I’d like to think I am Mother Teresa but we all know that’s not true…I really just want to be skinny). But here’s the thing, if I have been fat for most of my life, who the hell will I be when I am not the fat girl anymore? Hopefully, just a smaller, but happier version of myself, but I worry that my personality will change. Have you ever seen those people who lose a lot of weight and their personality seems to shift? Like they used to be funny and outgoing and then when they shed the pounds, they shed their personality as well? What’s with that? I have a huge fear of that happening and although since I am so cognizant of it I am sure it won’t happen, it still worries me….who are we kidding though, there’s not one ounce of me that’s not delightful so I am sure I will always be a joy to be around :p
Okay, so back to The Biggest Loser…I have been watching this show faithfully for probably 2 years now, with two seasons a year, they have transformed so many lives. Ironically enough, I used to stock up on snack foods to watch the show. How terrible is that?! I would be eating my Doritos and licorice while they’re sweating their asses off at the gym for 6-8 hours a day. I would sit there and think, okay…this is what’s going to motivate me to lose weight, as I stogged a handful of Doritos into my mouth. This should be kind of funny but I almost think of it as sad now looking back. When I watched the finale earlier this week I was eating carrot sticks and hummus…who the F%#K am I, really? I was totally pretending the carrots were licorice and the hummus was Doritos but still…progress, I think!
My goal for this weekend is to go to the gym both days and avoid desserts and alcohol. Shouldn’t be much of a challenge considering I don’t have a life at all this weekend, but as a fatty, finding dessert isn’t terribly difficult. I am a very resourceful fatty you see, give me two crackers, some cherry bubblegum and a laxative chocolate and I could fix up a low-cal cookie with far reaching weight loss benefits…I’m pretty much the MacGyver of bad foods.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I'll have 2 grapes with a side of testosterone, please!
So from these tests they will be able to tell me how much of my body is fat, how much is water and how much is muscle. Could be pretty detrimental to my ego actually when I found out I am actually a walking blob of fat but I wouldn’t have expected anything better than that so I am prepared to hear the results. This magical calorimeter machine will tell me what my body needs each day to fuel itself. This will help me determine how many calories I should eat…this is one test I would like to do poorly on…c’mon 2000 calories….c’mon! Somehow I doubt I am that lucky as it will likely be closer to 1400 calories or so but once a fatty, always a fatty!
In preparation for this morning’s tests I had to fast for 12 hours. Which you wouldn’t think would be a big deal at all, but with my current eating plan, I eat normally every three hours so I was really thrown off. And of course I had plans with a friend last night and couldn’t eat when we went out to a club. She even had chocolate cake and I had to stay away…okay, I took one bite. But I had to…she said she’d stop being my friend if I didn’t and I would hate to lose a friend over something as petty as cake. Boy am I glad I am a good friend…the cake was phenomenal! But seriously though, why is it that when you are not supposed to eat that you want to eat the world? Sometimes I think that my stomach and my brain are in cahoots with one another to sabotage my weight loss success. But why would they do that? I have been good to my stomach over the years…incredible actually. He (yeah, my stomach is a boy…weird, right?) has had more treats than any other stomach I know. But like a typical man I guess, he is just never satisfied…enough is just never enough with this guy! Perhaps he knows that I would trade him in for another in a heartbeat. I think I would take Starr Jones’ stomach. I would have the benefits of a gastric bypass without the complications or investment. I would be full after two grapes…I would be so skinny! Of course, I would just take her interior stomach; the outside would have to be Jessica Biel’s…not that I have put much thought into this or anything? Okay, that was weird…moving along…
Today is a pretty shitty day in Toronto in terms of weather but I am in a great mood, considering… Tonight as part of my course we’re having a cooking demonstration with a professional chef and yes, you guessed it…we get to eat the food. Hmmm…maybe that’s why I am in such a great mood?!
Monday, December 7, 2009
I'm like a cat lady but with better air quality
So…I have this weird infatuation with plants. It’s a fairly recent development. Well, it’s been a little over a year or so I guess. When my office moved into a new space, I decided I would get a plant to really jazz up my office. And jazz it up, I did… enter Chlora!
Chlora was my first born. She was birthed at Ikea, that’s this exclusive Swedish greenhouse located here in Toronto…you’ve probably never heard of it. For Chlora and I, it was love at first sight. She’s a philodendron, which is hindu for “plant you can’t kill”. I think that’s what I liked best about her. I mean if I am going to commit to another living thing I want to know that he or she is in this for the long haul with me. Much like any other decent plant mother, I felt bad that she didn’t have a sibling by her side to share in the weekly waterings and daily musings from me. So I delivered her a brother, Phyl. Phyl, was like my red-headed step-child. He never grew like his sister. He was so temperamental, like a teenager from day one. I don’t have patience for that. My boss called plant child services on me and had him removed. He now resides in her office, growing happily on her window sill…typical man. I didn’t give him what he wanted so now he’s moved on to greener pastures or blacker earth I guess in his case. *huck too* to you, Phyl! [You'll notice there's no photo of Phyl...that's what you get a$$hole!]
In the mean-time our landlord had bought each of us a plant as well as a welcome to the building. This plant had flowers, which I liked, although they’ve since disappeared, never to be seen again. But we get along well. She’s no Chlora but she continues to grow… a little lopsided but we all have our own path, right? This plant has a name too but I couldn’t tell you what it is. Like I said, she’s not Chlora!
Since Chlora and I got along so famously, other office plants began to get jealous. In fact, one of my co-workers, we’ll call her Ted Bundy for the sake of this story, asked me to take her plant into my care “temporarily,” as she was having trouble getting her to flourish. She has since become quite the lanky little lady. We named her Camille today as a tribute to Ted’s uber tall best friend. Ted has since said though that he wants nothing to do with Camille, so I shall see to it that she has an amazing life.
My boss has an African Violet who I have lovingly named Africa. She is stunning. Always full of beautiful purple blossoms (don’t be jealous, Chlora…mama still loves you more). I have adopted her and she will be coming to live in my office in the New Year. I will reward her and Camille with new pots.
I know you’re all reading this and thinking, why the hell is she telling us this? And here’s why… My friends are always convincing me that I should get a cat. You know, so I don’t go home to an empty house (and by house I mean shoebox apartment) every night. I have always told them that wouldn’t happen despite my love for kittens, because I do not want to be that lady who’s 40 and single with 18 cats…because we all know that’s where it leads right? Well today I realized that instead of the cat lady I will be the plant lady…is that really an improvement?
I am just a law abiding citizen...don't judge me!
So, yesterday was one of those days when my eating was somewhat beyond my control. I say somewhat because, obviously nobody was shoving food down my throat (I do have a fantasy that starts out that way though), but I wasn’t in my own surroundings preparing my own food as my nutritionist says is always the most ideal situation. That’s right, I have a nutritionist! I am surprised I haven’t brought her up on here before. I reference her normally about 4 or 5 times per day. Her name is Stefanie, but obviously we’re so tight that I just call her Stef. She is a part of that course that I have mentioned before that I am taking. Basically, it is 12 weeks and every week I have a group nutrition class for 2 hours and an hour of fitness class twice a week. I absolutely love this class. I have learned so much and am now constantly analyzing everything I put in my mouth (I bet your mind went in the gutter on that one, eh?) ;)
Okay, so back to yesterday… I had gone out to a friend’s Christmas recital. He rocked it, he was pretty much the star of the show…way to go, lover! Anyhoo….after his recital I had to go to the wrap party, because he told me everyone who was anyone would be there. It was pretty hoppin’… Mic Jagger was there snorting a line in the corner with Lady Gaga… Chris Brown was drowning his sorrows at the bar, which Paris Hilton was dancing on. It was pretty much just another Christmas recital wrap party...you know how crazy those can get, right?
So the menu at this place wasn’t really all that healthy so I knew I had to commit to something that wouldn’t be as good for me as I would normally eat, but I was okay with that. So I had this pasta with vegetables…it was alright and aside from the olive oil in it, not too bad. I mean I did eat 4 pieces of bruschetta and then met up with another friend after for chocolate cake, but all and all it wasn’t a write-off of a day, as I had gone to the gym that morning in anticipation.
Yeah, I have this new thing where I go to the gym to work off calories in anticipation of moments of weakness. Like for example on Saturday I wanted to go to the movies and I knew I had to have popcorn. They actually have a law in Toronto that you can’t attend the movies and not have popcorn. I mean I am not afraid to text and drive but this is one law I don’t want to break! So in preparation for that, I went online to find the caloric information for movie theatre popcorn, which if you’re not having butter is not terrible. So I worked off the exact amount of calories on the treadmill that was in the popcorn. I didn’t burn one calorie more, what would be the point of that really?
