It’s officially Christmas time, folks! We had our office party today. We went out for Indian food and then exchanged our Secret Santa presents…I got this great monogrammed martini shaker…thanks, Santa ;) As much as I absolutely love Christmas for the music, the parties, the family and friends all getting together and of course the gifts…Christmas also comes with a shitload of super bad foods. This is where my negotiation skills are going to have to be sharpened. I am not a lover of egg nog or shortbread or fruitcake for that matter but put a turkey dinner together with gravy and stuffing and a side of chocolate anything and you’ve got my attention! I am thinking that I should probably come up with a plan of attack for the holidays so as to not fall off the wagon entirely.
Speaking of falling off the wagon, I think that cliché needs to be brought up to the 21st century. I mean the last time I checked, outside of Amish country; nobody rides around on a wagon these days. So from now on in my world, the saying shall be “dropping my cell phone,” as in, over the holidays I really hope I don’t drop my cell phone. Nothing reeks of the 21st century more than mobile communication, right? So back to my original thought process…plan…gotta have a plan…
I am from a really small town and pretty much all of my family is on our one road (not street, it’s a road). My one aunt lives just across the bridge from me (we’re actually trolls) and she has a treadmill. So the plan is to put that bad boy to use at least 3 times a week. She may have to remove a few of the hangers from it, because God knows that if you own a treadmill its purpose is to store clothes and accessories, not to actually work out on…since it’s not mine though it is a bit of a novelty and still remains to me a piece of fitness equipment, or as I affectionately refer to it, a fat person’s arch nemesis. If only she had an elliptical…come to think of it, I think my sister has one of those…I guess I forgot because it has actually had shelves installed and is fully being used as a closet now. So…either the treadmill or the closet (elliptical) three times per week.
In terms of eating, I don’t want to be unrealistic. My goal is to eat really well for 2/3 meals per day. Eat a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch that will consist mainly of vegetables. And then when dinner rolls around I will just be dropping my cell phone all over the place… No, I won’t let that happen, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t going to have turkey and gravy with mashed potatoes and stuffing at Christmas dinner and I have to have tang with my Christmas breakfast, because that my friends is a tradition and for those who know me well, you know that I do not f*%k with tradition…ever! In fact my mom once said she was no longer going to have a real tree at Christmas and I threatened to not come home for the holiday…..don’t f*%k with tradition, mom! Okay, so I won’t fully drop my cell phone. It will be one of those like fumbling hand situations though where it falls to like my waist and then I magically catch it. I don’t plan to deny myself anything but I will have smaller portions than I normally would…I have to keep reminding myself that this is the rest of my life and not some diet that will only last a few weeks and who are we kidding every now and then we all drop our cell phones, am I right?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I need a cell phone protection plan!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Don't make me get all preachy on your osteo ass!
So I had my nutrition class last night, week 11 of 12. I can’t even describe to you how uninformed I feel each week after these classes. Not because of a lack of information in these classes but from what I didn’t know before. How is it that I am 26 years old and nobody has ever told me before about the importance of vitamin D in building bone density? Or how did I not know how hard my body works to burn calories even when I am not doing anything at all? This stuff is all so fascinating to me, but at the same time, I feel like I am not so much the smart cookie (mmm cookies) that I always thought I was for not knowing this stuff. Am I the only one who wasn’t a part of this day-to-day nutrition class of life or are you all in the dark too?
Warning…here’s where I begin preaching to you all about what I have learned…
Here are a few things that I want to share that I didn’t know and maybe you don’t either.
1 – Supplements – These little fellas are really important at building up and maintaining bone density. For those of you under 30, it is super important to start monitoring your intake of these two elements. As Canadians we don’t really get enough Vitamin D, since it’s so bloody cold here most of the year. We’re not exactly sunbathing in February. As women we will be building up our bone density until we’re 30, so start paying attention to your bone health now. After last night’s class I have now developed a fear of osteoporosis and I want us all to be Osteo free! Now here’s the thing you want to take into consideration when choosing a calcium supplement (check with your doc before you start taking random supplements, of course) your body can’t process more than 500 mg of Calcium at a time so don’t bother getting anything over 500 mg. It would just be a waste. And don’t take your calcium supplement with a calcium rich meal. Again, because you can only absorb the 500 mg anyway so why waste the excess when it could be going towards valuable bones!
2 – Supplements are great and all, but your body prefers to get its calcium supply from food, especially dairy products, so don’t ignore yogurt, cheese and good old milk! Pay attention to food labels though too, because even beans have calcium in them, who knew?
3 – If you’re a person who takes in a lot of caffeine, keep in mind that this will hinder your body’s ability to absorb calcium. So don’t take your calcium supplement with a cup of coffee either! We need over 1000 mg a day of calcium and every little bit counts, even the calcium in the toast you had this morning.
4 – You should start asking for bone density tests at age 40. Apparently some doctors put them off until your 60’s but that could be too late. I don’t know about you guys but I would much rather find out about my osteoporosis from a doctor then to find out years down the road when I break a leg and it just won’t heal. And that’s what happens when you’re all osteoey (sure, it’s a word)…your bones can’t build up like they used too so you may never fully heal. In fact more women die each year from osteoporosis related injuries than from breast cancer or cervical cancer combined. We all know someone who has been affected by those hellish cancers, so think of how many people we know that may undiagnosed with osteoporosis.
The moral of today’s lecture is that I am selfish and I want you all here for the rest of my life so start paying more attention to your calcium and vitamin D intake now so that I don’t have to carry you all around in your old age.
xo
b
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tourette's with a side of twentysomething Alzheimer's and ADD
Well to start things off… I achieved all of my goals for the weekend, granted they weren’t too lofty, but still. I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday and avoided dessert all weekend. I actually really liked the gym this weekend. I have decided that the elliptical is like a fat girl’s treadmill. It’s amazing. I mean I couldn’t run for more than 2 minutes on a treadmill but on that thing I can go for 15 minutes pretty much running, no problem! I also did the bike yesterday, which I never do. It is amazing; you can fully read a book or magazine and the time flies. I always see people reading on the treadmill and elliptical and I think they’re crazy. When you’re bopping up and down like that, how can you possibly be concentrating on reading? The only thing I can do while on those machines, aside from sweat my ass off, of course, is listen to music. Sometimes I even sing along…but just a few words every couple of verses. That’s right; I pretty much have tourette’s syndrome, but it only comes out at the gym.
Okay, so I have some more venting to do…this one is a little off-side but if you’re a woman I think you’ll totally agree with me. So we all know that while we’re on our periods, we retain water, which doesn’t exactly give you an accurate indication on the scale of how your weight loss efforts are going. When you take into consideration that you begin retaining water pre-period (I like to use medical jargon) then technically like 8-10 days out of the month the scale is not really your friend. Well, not that it’s ever really your friend. The scale is kinda like that friend from high school. You know the one that insists on talking every time you run into them when it’s blatently obvious to both of you that you have nothing in common anymore. It’s that kind of friend. I mean it’s kind of nice to see them when they have something good to bring to the table, like a nacho dip at a pot luck or a compliment like, “Hey B, have you lost weight?” For moments like those, that friend is okay to have around. That is the equivalent to a non periody time of the month on the scale when the scale shows you a lower number than the last time you paid it a visit. But then most of the time when you run into that friend it’s the same old, “remember the time we got drunk and went bowling?” Yep, I still remember that…surprisingly Alzheimer’s hasn’t taken over my 26 year old brain just yet. I guess I am just lucky like that. Weird!
So do you get why I am pissed off? How is it fair that as a woman I only get approximately 20 days a month to be accurately weighed? And when you take into consideration that it’s not entirely accurate within a few hours of eating a big meal, really the only time of day I want to step in the scale is first thing in the morning, naked. That’s obviously the most accurate time of the day, right?
Today’s lesson? Not only do I have gym tourette’s and Alzheimer's but by the way this blog went, apparently ADD too!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Just call me MacGyver!
I can’t even imagine the sense of pride these people must feel for their accomplishments, but at the same time they must also be having some identity issues. I struggle with that too from time to time and think to myself that it could be a part of why I haven’t succeeded in the past at keeping the weight off. I mean I know exactly who I am, I am very self aware and have always been keenly in touch with my emotions and inner self. I haven’t had a major transformation like these people but even when I just think about the possibility of having an entirely different body, I struggle with it a bit. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I want more right now (aside from maybe world peace…okay, not really… I’d like to think I am Mother Teresa but we all know that’s not true…I really just want to be skinny). But here’s the thing, if I have been fat for most of my life, who the hell will I be when I am not the fat girl anymore? Hopefully, just a smaller, but happier version of myself, but I worry that my personality will change. Have you ever seen those people who lose a lot of weight and their personality seems to shift? Like they used to be funny and outgoing and then when they shed the pounds, they shed their personality as well? What’s with that? I have a huge fear of that happening and although since I am so cognizant of it I am sure it won’t happen, it still worries me….who are we kidding though, there’s not one ounce of me that’s not delightful so I am sure I will always be a joy to be around :p
Okay, so back to The Biggest Loser…I have been watching this show faithfully for probably 2 years now, with two seasons a year, they have transformed so many lives. Ironically enough, I used to stock up on snack foods to watch the show. How terrible is that?! I would be eating my Doritos and licorice while they’re sweating their asses off at the gym for 6-8 hours a day. I would sit there and think, okay…this is what’s going to motivate me to lose weight, as I stogged a handful of Doritos into my mouth. This should be kind of funny but I almost think of it as sad now looking back. When I watched the finale earlier this week I was eating carrot sticks and hummus…who the F%#K am I, really? I was totally pretending the carrots were licorice and the hummus was Doritos but still…progress, I think!
My goal for this weekend is to go to the gym both days and avoid desserts and alcohol. Shouldn’t be much of a challenge considering I don’t have a life at all this weekend, but as a fatty, finding dessert isn’t terribly difficult. I am a very resourceful fatty you see, give me two crackers, some cherry bubblegum and a laxative chocolate and I could fix up a low-cal cookie with far reaching weight loss benefits…I’m pretty much the MacGyver of bad foods.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I'll have 2 grapes with a side of testosterone, please!
So from these tests they will be able to tell me how much of my body is fat, how much is water and how much is muscle. Could be pretty detrimental to my ego actually when I found out I am actually a walking blob of fat but I wouldn’t have expected anything better than that so I am prepared to hear the results. This magical calorimeter machine will tell me what my body needs each day to fuel itself. This will help me determine how many calories I should eat…this is one test I would like to do poorly on…c’mon 2000 calories….c’mon! Somehow I doubt I am that lucky as it will likely be closer to 1400 calories or so but once a fatty, always a fatty!
In preparation for this morning’s tests I had to fast for 12 hours. Which you wouldn’t think would be a big deal at all, but with my current eating plan, I eat normally every three hours so I was really thrown off. And of course I had plans with a friend last night and couldn’t eat when we went out to a club. She even had chocolate cake and I had to stay away…okay, I took one bite. But I had to…she said she’d stop being my friend if I didn’t and I would hate to lose a friend over something as petty as cake. Boy am I glad I am a good friend…the cake was phenomenal! But seriously though, why is it that when you are not supposed to eat that you want to eat the world? Sometimes I think that my stomach and my brain are in cahoots with one another to sabotage my weight loss success. But why would they do that? I have been good to my stomach over the years…incredible actually. He (yeah, my stomach is a boy…weird, right?) has had more treats than any other stomach I know. But like a typical man I guess, he is just never satisfied…enough is just never enough with this guy! Perhaps he knows that I would trade him in for another in a heartbeat. I think I would take Starr Jones’ stomach. I would have the benefits of a gastric bypass without the complications or investment. I would be full after two grapes…I would be so skinny! Of course, I would just take her interior stomach; the outside would have to be Jessica Biel’s…not that I have put much thought into this or anything? Okay, that was weird…moving along…
Today is a pretty shitty day in Toronto in terms of weather but I am in a great mood, considering… Tonight as part of my course we’re having a cooking demonstration with a professional chef and yes, you guessed it…we get to eat the food. Hmmm…maybe that’s why I am in such a great mood?!
Monday, December 7, 2009
I'm like a cat lady but with better air quality
So…I have this weird infatuation with plants. It’s a fairly recent development. Well, it’s been a little over a year or so I guess. When my office moved into a new space, I decided I would get a plant to really jazz up my office. And jazz it up, I did… enter Chlora!
Chlora was my first born. She was birthed at Ikea, that’s this exclusive Swedish greenhouse located here in Toronto…you’ve probably never heard of it. For Chlora and I, it was love at first sight. She’s a philodendron, which is hindu for “plant you can’t kill”. I think that’s what I liked best about her. I mean if I am going to commit to another living thing I want to know that he or she is in this for the long haul with me. Much like any other decent plant mother, I felt bad that she didn’t have a sibling by her side to share in the weekly waterings and daily musings from me. So I delivered her a brother, Phyl. Phyl, was like my red-headed step-child. He never grew like his sister. He was so temperamental, like a teenager from day one. I don’t have patience for that. My boss called plant child services on me and had him removed. He now resides in her office, growing happily on her window sill…typical man. I didn’t give him what he wanted so now he’s moved on to greener pastures or blacker earth I guess in his case. *huck too* to you, Phyl! [You'll notice there's no photo of Phyl...that's what you get a$$hole!]
In the mean-time our landlord had bought each of us a plant as well as a welcome to the building. This plant had flowers, which I liked, although they’ve since disappeared, never to be seen again. But we get along well. She’s no Chlora but she continues to grow… a little lopsided but we all have our own path, right? This plant has a name too but I couldn’t tell you what it is. Like I said, she’s not Chlora!
Since Chlora and I got along so famously, other office plants began to get jealous. In fact, one of my co-workers, we’ll call her Ted Bundy for the sake of this story, asked me to take her plant into my care “temporarily,” as she was having trouble getting her to flourish. She has since become quite the lanky little lady. We named her Camille today as a tribute to Ted’s uber tall best friend. Ted has since said though that he wants nothing to do with Camille, so I shall see to it that she has an amazing life.
My boss has an African Violet who I have lovingly named Africa. She is stunning. Always full of beautiful purple blossoms (don’t be jealous, Chlora…mama still loves you more). I have adopted her and she will be coming to live in my office in the New Year. I will reward her and Camille with new pots.
I know you’re all reading this and thinking, why the hell is she telling us this? And here’s why… My friends are always convincing me that I should get a cat. You know, so I don’t go home to an empty house (and by house I mean shoebox apartment) every night. I have always told them that wouldn’t happen despite my love for kittens, because I do not want to be that lady who’s 40 and single with 18 cats…because we all know that’s where it leads right? Well today I realized that instead of the cat lady I will be the plant lady…is that really an improvement?
I am just a law abiding citizen...don't judge me!
So, yesterday was one of those days when my eating was somewhat beyond my control. I say somewhat because, obviously nobody was shoving food down my throat (I do have a fantasy that starts out that way though), but I wasn’t in my own surroundings preparing my own food as my nutritionist says is always the most ideal situation. That’s right, I have a nutritionist! I am surprised I haven’t brought her up on here before. I reference her normally about 4 or 5 times per day. Her name is Stefanie, but obviously we’re so tight that I just call her Stef. She is a part of that course that I have mentioned before that I am taking. Basically, it is 12 weeks and every week I have a group nutrition class for 2 hours and an hour of fitness class twice a week. I absolutely love this class. I have learned so much and am now constantly analyzing everything I put in my mouth (I bet your mind went in the gutter on that one, eh?) ;)
Okay, so back to yesterday… I had gone out to a friend’s Christmas recital. He rocked it, he was pretty much the star of the show…way to go, lover! Anyhoo….after his recital I had to go to the wrap party, because he told me everyone who was anyone would be there. It was pretty hoppin’… Mic Jagger was there snorting a line in the corner with Lady Gaga… Chris Brown was drowning his sorrows at the bar, which Paris Hilton was dancing on. It was pretty much just another Christmas recital wrap party...you know how crazy those can get, right?
So the menu at this place wasn’t really all that healthy so I knew I had to commit to something that wouldn’t be as good for me as I would normally eat, but I was okay with that. So I had this pasta with vegetables…it was alright and aside from the olive oil in it, not too bad. I mean I did eat 4 pieces of bruschetta and then met up with another friend after for chocolate cake, but all and all it wasn’t a write-off of a day, as I had gone to the gym that morning in anticipation.
Yeah, I have this new thing where I go to the gym to work off calories in anticipation of moments of weakness. Like for example on Saturday I wanted to go to the movies and I knew I had to have popcorn. They actually have a law in Toronto that you can’t attend the movies and not have popcorn. I mean I am not afraid to text and drive but this is one law I don’t want to break! So in preparation for that, I went online to find the caloric information for movie theatre popcorn, which if you’re not having butter is not terrible. So I worked off the exact amount of calories on the treadmill that was in the popcorn. I didn’t burn one calorie more, what would be the point of that really?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Hey Samuel, wanna go for an ice-cream?
I have come to the conclusion that attempting to lose weight is pretty much just a constant set of negotiations you enter into with yourself. If I eat this bagel, I can’t have any grains at lunch, so do I want to have the bagel or do I want to have a piece of paper aka Weight Watchers bread for breakfast so that I can still have carbs at lunch. It’s really quite mentally exhausting. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for Weight Watchers products and they certainly taste alright, but for an Irish girl like me, when I think bread, I think Texas Toast not Eucharistic wafer.
The funny thing is that I am totally a planner. I plan out every aspect of my life, from what I am going to wear all week to what my children’s names will be and where my future husband and I will vacation. I have had my wedding planned out from the flowers to the music to the venue for the past 5 years….it’s so weird that I’m single? I mean what guy isn’t looking for a girl reeking of matrimonial desperation on the first date? Well…not anymore!
Allow me a moment of self righteousness….I know it’s only been a little over 2 months since I have begun this journey (I need a new word for that…I’m on it!), but I already feel like I have this newfound sense of clarity when it comes to my personal life. As pathetic as this may sound, I used to lay in bed at night and think about my future and get panicked because I am one of the remaining single gals in my sea of friends (yeah, I said it…I am truly quite popular). But lately, I have begun to look at it differently. I have noticed that when I go to bed at night, the only thing I think about is this magical voyage I am on (voyage any better than journey? I will keep working on it). I think about how long it will take me to hit those big milestones like 25 lbs, 50 lbs and then the glorious 100 lb marker that I am so longing for. I think about all the cute little dresses I am going to buy and how happy I will be. A little sad I guess that my happiness would depend on a little digital number on a scale but it kind of does. Not entirely, I am actually a pretty happy person in general. Who wouldn’t be with a sea of friends?
So today I will be playing the role of “The Negotiator,” yeah, that’s right…I’m pretty much Samuel L. Jackson. I’m going out for dinner tonight with a friend, so I have to strategically plan out what I will eat for the rest of the day, because god knows that dinner has to include a glass of the red stuff! This nutritional strategy thing is all pretty interesting to me though, really. My dietician told me I should consider a career in the field…well, until I encouraged another member of my class to count ice-cream as a serving of milk products. She was quick to take back the career path recommendation after that. What? Ice-cream is not a straight up healthy dairy choice? Weird…I wonder why I’m fat?!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Everything's coming up me!
Have you ever heard of a non-scale victory or NSV as my friends at Weight Watchers would have called it? Well, basically this is when you improve on something other than the scale throughout your weight loss journey i.e. you go down a notch on your belt or your pants start to fit a little bit better. These are huge motivations for people like me who are trying to achieve SLB status…I mean don’t get me wrong, seeing the number on the scale go down would be pretty friggin’ sweet too, but I will take it where I can get it.
Yesterday was an amazing day for NSV’s! Firstly, I had a meeting… I have been attending these meetings for almost 5 years and they always end up the same. I come up with an idea, which is obviously brilliant, everyone disagrees and then somebody else suggests the same thing and it’s time to call up The Nobel Foundation (did I mention these meetings are about world peace?) and recommend they receive some sort of prize. Okay, so not the Peace Prize, although they do seem to be giving that away like Tiger Woods’ hotel room keys these days, but I'm talking about the kind for sheer brilliance. They exist I am sure…look it up!
Here’s the thing though…yesterday’s meeting was not like that. People actually listened to what I had to say and - you should probably sit down for this one – agreed with me! It was a huge development in my career, which me (having huge issues with food) has attributed to me leading a healthier lifestyle. How effed up is that? I have actually convinced myself over these past 26 unhealthy years that being unsuccessful at anything in life was a direct result of me being fat. Well, don’t worry friends, I now see how crazy I am and I am working on changing that.
Okay, so maybe that’s not really an NSV, but I am getting to it… At this meeting I got to see people I hadn’t seen in a while, 2 of whom asked me if I had lost weight. There are no better words in a fat girls’ world let me tell you aside from maybe, “oops, we accidentally supersized your fries, so this double quarter pounder meal is free…sorry for the inconvenience.” To which I would have to reply, “well, it is a terrible inconvenience, but just give me the supersize fries and nobody will ever have to know the difference!” Okay, back on track… so then later in the day, our bookkeeper (who I adore) asked if I had lost weight. She actually apologized for asking. So here I am telling the world, and by world I mean my 10 closest friends and maybe my sister, on behalf of fatties everywhere…it is more than okay to ask a fatty if they’ve lost weight. In fact, you should ask strangers on the street you’ve never seen before, just to see their faces light up….okay, maybe don’t do that, you may weird them out. But by all means, you can ask me that anytime!
The NSV’s don’t stop there though…so last night I had a hot date with my trainer (I am taking this fitness/nutrition class, which you will hear more about eventually because I love it!) So in last night’s class, I noticed huge developments in my strength. Like for example, I can now do plank for a full minute, whereas when we first started I was lucky to make 15 seconds at a time. And when we did dead bug (this exercise was actually created by Lucifer himself) I could do it for a full minute and when we started I could literally do it for 5 seconds before taking a break. I mentioned it to our trainer and he was like yeah, I noticed you were getting better. He then asked me if I wanted to bear his children and we’re actually going to Vegas to get married today. NSV what?!?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The gym...I support that
Okay so I need to get something off my chest….to vent if you will…about my gym or as I like to call it “the charity I choose to support.”
I signed up for this gym with a friend two years ago. We were both pretty diligent about going for the first oh, I dunno like maybe 4 weeks. This gym was well priced, open only to women and super close to our old office. They even have member appreciation nights where you can get free facials and free food (ironic, right?)…that’s likely where they won me over as bad as that is…”oh, you have free food every 6 months for one evening? Where do I sign?” That’s how much of a fatty I am/was… the promise of free food at any event or outing guaranteed my attendance. I once donated blood twice in a week for the free cookies and juice…okay, so that didn’t happen, but it could have… This friend that I joined the gym with, we talk about food all day long at work. If we have a function after work we’re talking about what that food will be weeks before the event arrives…luckily for her though, she remains a SLB (skinny little bitch)…which coming from me is a term of endearment (love you buddy!)
Back to the gym (have you noticed yet that I tend to go off on tangents?) I think it’s endearing, no? So about 10 months after we signed up for the gym (or 9 months after we stopped going to the gym) our office moved to BFN (I’ll let you figure that acronym out on your own). There is no gym close to our office, well at least none that we’re paying for but not attending. Luckily, there is one close to my house so I can go every 6 months to make myself feel better about the hundreds of dollars I have spent there over the years.
This gym has one of those card scanning systems so when you go in you have to scan your card before going through the turnstile, then you go through a retna scan and then they take a urine sample, just to confirm it’s you. Or at least that’s how it seems… okay, so there’s really only a card scanning turnstile. The key here is though that this turnstile never actually works. We’ve established at this point that I attend quite sporadically and anytime that I go the turnstile is down so I quickly flash my card and walk past the registration desk. Earlier this year, I was going through a phase where I was working out first thing in the morning and in my haste one day to get to work, I left my membership card in the cup holder on my treadmill.
When I went back the next morning and asked if they had found it, they said no…we all know they obviously threw it in the garbage so I would be forced to buy a new one (paranoid much?), but whatever, I am not bitter about it at all, which would be evident by the fact that it’s now 6 months later and I have yet to return to the gym. Friggin’ right…I showed them!
Well I dropped by the gym last night to get a replacement card. I was pretty pumped to have to pay $25 for a new card so that I could never use it again, since we know the scan system never actually works. So, I go in and I talk to the lady at the gym and she can’t find me in the system, despite my monthly payments, they have no record of me being a member? I guess she didn’t remember seeing me there once like 6 months ago…what’s her problem? Anyway…she tells me that I have to go to the downtown location I originally signed up at 2 years ago to get a new card, even though I have been attending…okay…supporting…this location for a year and a half.
Let me tell you…I was not a happy camper. I just told that lady, “I hope you have a fantastic evening…maybe we could be facebook friends?” and I walked away. Don’t worry, I am totally going to just add her to my facebook list and then poke the shit out of her for months… I am really going to show her! *huck too*
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The bitter bus stops here...
I have been telling my friends and family for the longest time that I should be a blogger…Okay so namely I have been telling my friends because I don’t think anyone in my immediate family would know what a blog was…Not that I blame them, I mean where the eff did that word come from anyway? If I told my mom today that I were going to be a blogger, she’d probably think I was going to start playing real life dungeons and dragons in some mystical forest somewhere…how cool would that be if I were a LARP blogger? Hmmm…. I digress…
My life isn’t very glamorous…I mean I don’t have incredibly cute outfits to show off or any inside scoop on celebrities and their latest stint in rehab but I like to think my life is pretty interesting and hey, I mean if I ever have to go to rehab (in what’s sure to be an incredibly cute outfit) you’ll be the first to know!
I guess a fair place to start would be to disclose why I have finally taken the blog plunge, so here goes…
I am 26 years old and in need of a little something, something in my life (no, I don’t mean sex, although that would be nice too). See, my life was moving along all tickety boo for the first 24 years or so and then life happened. I was in a job that I loved but working for a woman I couldn’t stand. If this woman were a cartoon character, she would be like Cruella Deville except instead of being mean to little Dalmatian puppies she would probably be mean to little children, or even worse….to me! I wish you all knew me (although I am sure you all do) because you know what I am doing right now? Making my spit noise *huck too* as a sign that she’s dead to me. That’s right world, don’t piss me off, because I will be *huck too-ing* at you too!
But back to Cruella, so this woman steps in here and tries to kill my spirit and unicorns (yeah, there were a few unicorns running around the office when she came…not anymore, my friends…not anymore). Being the passive aggressive gal that I am, I really showed her…. I ate my way to revenge…gained a sweet 70 lbs or so… I don’t kid around when it comes to something like weight gain…go big or go home, I say! I can’t blame it all on her; there was a break-up in there and of course the fact that in my world the only pity party worth having is one where Oreo and Dorito are bringing the funk!
Since then I have continued to ride the bitter bus…well until recently… In October I decided that I had to get off the bus and get my life in order. This meant that I had to get serious about losing this weight I’d gained and stop fishing in the pond of duds. So I have begun a new way of eating and I actually exercise which until recently was a foreign concept for me… I have also taken a hiatus from boys…a mancation if you will. I don’t need the drama or the pounds that come with heartbreak.
So, there we go…it took me 3 paragraphs to say that I plan to blog about my attempt at being a non-fatty for once in my life. This is going to be one heck of a journey….a journey filled with celery sticks and personal trainers, a few tears and hopefully a few smaller, incredibly cute outfits!
